sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
