dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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