Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
