were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
