oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
