He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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