He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
