wrigley field is MILF paradise
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
