plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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