Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
