dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
as a side note pls kill me
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
