I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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