Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My vagina is officially offended.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
