You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
