i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
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