You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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