you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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