So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
