So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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