Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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