two words: eviction party
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
