this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
