Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
