toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
