Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i came on her dog
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
