If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
