You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
