I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
