My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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