So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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