well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
