I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
