someone threw a dead crab at me
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I still have a little drunk in my system
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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