i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
