I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
