I accidentally had phone sex last night
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
