my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
