woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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