Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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