This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
