I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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