Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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