the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
