Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
