Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
