I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
