he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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