He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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