My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
