You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
